Addressing the high expectations of the newly elected Prime Minister, Trudeau assured Canadian citizens that unicorns are indeed thriving in the Canadian wilderness.
“While the full understanding of these gorgeous beasts is still yet to
come, I can tell you I have seen several of them and that their tears
cure all disease,” said Trudeau from an enchanted glen in the Frontenac
When asked if Canadians would get to ride the unicorns and maybe braid
their glorious manes, Trudeau was quick to dispel any misconceptions.
"The unicorn is a pure and sacred animal and must be respected, just as
I respect the needs of all Canadian citizens." He said, adding that
every Canadian who believed in them would be visited by a unicorn in
the near future, and that gently touching one would be very likely in
this circumstance if the unicorn bowed their head to them.
Trudeau also announced that each unicorn has a fairy companion who is
born from the sound of the laughter of children.
“Trudeau promised a lot of progressive change in this country, which
seemed pretty impossible after what the last government put us
through," said a heave-sobbing
Liberal Party insider, clutching his favourite stuffed unicorn toy. "It feels like everything is going to be okay."
Trudeau acknowledged that the platform
on which the Liberal party was elected seems like glitter-filled dreams
in comparison to the soul-crushing decade of Conservative Harper rule
“Well, to the 35 million Canadians of this country, I have a simple
message for you: magic is real and all your dreams will come true
forever,” Trudeau said to resounding applause.
The Prime Minister also announced several other previously unbelievable
initiatives from the newly formed government, including the unmuzzling
of Canadian scientists, the restoration of the mandatory long-form
census, and gender parity in his newly appointed cabinet.