PM Justin Trudeau announces unicorns are real, every Canadian gets to touch one

Monday, 09 November 2015 18:59 Written by Shirley Gnome


OTTAWA — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed Monday that the mythical animal once considered only a creature of fantasy and folklore is, in fact, real.

Addressing the high expectations of the newly elected Prime Minister, Trudeau assured Canadian citizens that unicorns are indeed thriving in the Canadian wilderness.

“While the full understanding of these gorgeous beasts is still yet to come, I can tell you I have seen several of them and that their tears cure all disease,” said Trudeau from an enchanted glen in the Frontenac Provincial Park.

When asked if Canadians would get to ride the unicorns and maybe braid their glorious manes, Trudeau was quick to dispel any misconceptions. "The unicorn is a pure and sacred animal and must be respected, just as I respect the needs of all Canadian citizens." He said, adding that every Canadian who believed in them would be visited by a unicorn in the near future, and that gently touching one would be very likely in this circumstance if the unicorn bowed their head to them.

Trudeau also announced that each unicorn has a fairy companion who is born from the sound of the laughter of children.
“Trudeau promised a lot of progressive change in this country, which seemed pretty impossible after what the last government put us through," said a heave-sobbing Liberal Party insider, clutching his favourite stuffed unicorn toy. "It feels like everything is going to be okay."

Trudeau acknowledged that the platform on which the Liberal party was elected seems like glitter-filled dreams in comparison to the soul-crushing decade of Conservative Harper rule in Canada.

“Well, to the 35 million Canadians of this country, I have a simple message for you: magic is real and all your dreams will come true forever,” Trudeau said to resounding applause.

The Prime Minister also announced several other previously unbelievable initiatives from the newly formed government, including the unmuzzling of Canadian scientists, the restoration of the mandatory long-form census, and gender parity in his newly appointed cabinet. 


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